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The Book

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Middle Class Handbook on Twitter
Chattering Class

Leicester City overkill

Yes we get it, it's lovely. But can we talk about something else now?

Online petitions

Please sign our online petition to have them banned


The new Frozen

Artisan marshmallows


The word “artisan”


Discussing sourdough recipes

You buy it? Might as well wear a Burberry baseball cap

Getting the right shade of fake tan

“Just enough to stop my legs looking like something I dug up”

Travelling off-peak on rural branchline trains


Pointless gadgets made by start-ups

Usually no better than Innovations catalogue stuff

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The Periodic Table of the Middle Class
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    I hate fit people

    I have started going to the gym. For the third time this year. Went on the running machine, which in certain circumstances I can almost enjoy - though not circumstances such as tonight's, which involved a very fit-looking rugbyish bloke and trim, attractive-ish woman coming and going on the machines either side of me. Gah! I was going very slowly compared to them, so made the mistake of increasing speed to a level which I could sustain for about three minutes. Then had to decrease it and look as if this was what I had intended to do all along - but who runs at 7.2 mph for 20 minutes, then 12 mph for 3 minutes, then gets off? Social death. Or did they not notice? Probably too busy thinking about sport, or what protein drink they were going to have when they had finished. Slunk off to the rowing machine then packed it in and went to get changed. (Why do men's changing rooms have that disgusting smell? Is it to do with steroids? It smells like cesspits.)

    Thank heaven for the branch of M&S Food opposite the gym building! Spent several sweaty minutes after my "session" choosing an interesting fruit juice - one of those orange ones with fruit you have never heard of in them - and aimlessly walking about trying to decide if you should eat fruit directly after exercise. (Answer: not at those prices, no).


    Voldemort & My Wife Vs Me

    Me and dear wife and daughter have just come back from a short break in a cottage in Devon (South, which I think is less posh than the North but could be wrong). We took two DVD box sets to watch in the evenings when dear daughter was in bed: a Hitchcock, and the Harry Potter one. I suggested the Hitchcock because I thought it would be a good thing to watch properly all those classic films you're supposed to know about, but in reality have only ever seen the 20 minutes of. When I mentioned it, my wife looked briefly worried and said, well, fine, but can we get something, um, light as well? Like the Harry Potter maybe? Privately wondering if I should have married someone more intellectual (only joking dear), I agreed. 

    As usual, my wife's practicality saved us from evenings of infinite boredom. We only managed Vertigo ("Don't you think this is a bit slow? I mean, honestly?" said my wife after what seemed like three hours). Two others got twenty minutes before we gave up.  I thought Alfred Hitchcock was supposed to be the master of suspense? Everything takes so long that you lose interest, and you can predict the whole plot after the third scene.
    I find Daniel Radcliffe a bit annoying, and I only REALLY like Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, but these are what we watched.
     My wife said someone should make DVD cabinets for people like me, so I can have the DVDs I think I ought to like showing, with the ones I actually watch hidden. Right as usual. I wonder if you could patent a middle-class DVD cabinet? Anyway, I suggested that Harry Potter DVDs were our guilty pleasure, but she said I was being pretentious, and that her real guilty pleaure was laughing at Emma Watson's rubbish acting. 


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