Soap with bits in

They look so lovely, those artisanal bars of soap, prettily peppered with real lavender or topped with whole rose buds. Some have sticks of cinnamon gently suspended inside; others are adorned with a slice of crystalised orange or an aromatic star anise. They beg you to buy them – and who wouldn’t love these creatures nestling in their soap dish instead of a plastic pump action handwash?

But DO NOT BE FOOLED. These things are evil. They worm their way into your middle class affections with their ‘natural’ and ‘hand made’ schtick, and their chaste wrappings tied up with raffia, then – wham! – the next thing you know you’ve got dead rose petals stuck to your skin and are sitting in a bath full of potpourri sieving out the bits. 

We are sorry to be the ones to disillusion you, but sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind. 

When Origin Fetishism goes too far

It’s a point of pride for MCs to know where their food comes from.  The origin of what’s on the kitchen shelves is a big concern, and ‘field to fork’ foodie knowledge religiously pursued.

But some brands are taking Origin Fetishism a step too far, and Pipers Crisps is a case in point. The range offers options such as Biggleswade, Ludlow Hill, Lye Cross, Wissington, and Kirby Malton. Does anyone have a clue where these places are?

Dorset Cereals works fine. We all have a fantasy in our heads of what Dorset is like – rolling fields, farms, sunsets and so on. And a vague idea of where it sits on the map (‘west country’).

But Kirby Malton and Biggleswade? They could be motorway services for all I know. Most of us would be hard-pushed to summon up any kind of imaginary world matching these names. So how can a Biggleswade crisp be in any way expected to seduce us?

Matters are made worse by the fact that the flavour attributed to Biggleswade is Sweet Chilli. Now, we may not know where Biggleswade is. But we will have a firm feeling that Sweet Chilli isn’t one of its longest-established traditions. Same goes for Kirby Malton Chorizo: an unlikely-sounding duo if ever there was.

MC brands trying to compete in the drive to be ‘local’ do end up with a dilemma. Too local, and we won’t have a clue where the place is. But not local enough, and it won’t sound properly authentic.

And if they want to mix in a few exotic ingredient references, there’s added cause to tread carefully – or we’ll soon be seeing head-spinning hybrids like Saffron Walden Salsa or East Grinstead Guacamole on the shelves.

MIDDLE-CLASS COLOUR CHART: BLUE

CHATTERING CLASS: QUESTIONS AND QUIBBLES

Is Marks & Spencer still Britain's top knicker shop?

Too right it is

Staircases in M&S stores emerging into ladies' whatnots department

Not only at your M&S, @gardener_the

John Lewis to sell broadband

Thank the lord. Bye bye Virgin Media et al

Lidl TV adverts

Have tipped over from subtle to self-conscious

Go the F**k to Sleep is being adapted into a film

Going to be f-ing brilliant

Billy goat meat

The latest trendy chef's favourite - are we up for it?

Stoker

Very, very classy horror

Tesco's sour cherry and pomegranate gummies

No, @ianrossmowat, there is no more MC sweet flavour out there

Jamie Oliver doing everything "from a height"

Not clear what this actually achieves

8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

Too much MC joy

Is it too late to put a stop to “Can I get...”?

I’m ashamed of myself. The other day, I said to a barista, “Can I get another cappuccino?” – a turn of phrase I’ve been vociferously fighting against for I don’t know how long. I’ve thumped tables with outrage about it, rattling out my same old argument about “Can I get…” being a horrendous modern alternative to the correct, much more gracious “May I have…”, and laughing at the imagined scenario in which the barista or waiter retorts with “Sure, get it yourself!”

It’s a truly ugly expression, “Can I get...”, with its hard consonants and emphasis on getting instead of being given something, but it seems to have settled in so comfortably that now, “May I have…”, which makes more sense and is immeasurably easier on the ear, rings out as the less common and slightly old fashioned form.

So, I think it might all be over. If I’ve started saying it, and I’m supposed to be one of the opposition, I can only imagine that plenty of others like me are also losing their own battle, and therefore contributing to the overall loss of the war. 

Flickr: journeyscoffee