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Consumer paradise: the simple joy of finding a product that you thought had been discontinued

2012-02-12T10:00:12Z

Recently, walking through a shopping centre in the north of England, I was surprised and pleased to see a branch of Wimpy. “I thought they’d closed down,” I said to my wife. “You never seem to see them any more.” “You said that the last time we passed one,” she said. “Next, you’re going to go on about how nice it is to know they’re still around.”She was right, of course; that was what I was about to say. In the event I didn’t, and lost the nerve to ask if we could go for lunch. But I really was glad to see one, because for some reason I get a strange consumerist kick every time I see a brand or product that I thought must have ceased production. Spar supermarkets, Matchmaker chocolates, Land Rover Defenders; all these things and more make me glad, I suppose because they make the past feel a bit less far away and long ago. I think my first XI teamsheet for down-but-not-out brands and products would consist of:

1 Wimpy

2 Spar

3 Matchmakers

4 Derwent pencils

5 Land Rover Defenders

6 Liquorice pipes (for the un-PC quality)

7 Shandy Bass (ditto)

8 Denbigh notebooks

9 Rose’s Lime Marmalade

10 Champion sportswear

11 Sun-In

Maslow's hierarchy of crisps

2012-02-10T11:58:00Z

There is so much snobbery around food nowadays that it’s hard to know which foods are socially acceptable at any given time, and which ones should only be eaten in the privacy of your own kitchen with the blinds closed and the lights off. Food-snobbery itself has always been with us, of course, but I think the speed with which food fashions change is something new.

Things change as quickly as do the fashions on the catwalk. I noticed this recently when I encountered a crisp snobbery never seen before at a recent middle-class social gathering. I had made the mistake of putting a Pringle in my mouth; I nearly choked with laughter when I saw my friend’s look of complete horror, and heard her claim that a) she couldn’t think of a viler nibble than a Pringle and b) she would never eat such mass produced savoury snacks.

She went on to explain that she is a particular fan of Piper’s crisps. “Yes,” I agreed, “They’re tasty.” “Oh it’s not just that,” she went on “They’re hand-made by farmers you know.” That is literally what she said - a bit odd, really. As she continued to extol the virtues of Piper’s crisps, I wanted to point out that while she had the image of ruddy-cheeked farmers in tweed peeling potatoes and frying them in bag-sized batches, they were still an unhealthy deep-fried snack. Simply adding the words “farmer” and “hand-made”, doesn’t make crisps classy and any less calorie-packed.

Still, you can see why she ended up seeking out some extra status; I remember the days when Walker’s Sensations were seen as posh crisps, but now you might as well serve Monster Munch to earn you crisp kudos. And poor old Kettle Chips long ago headed the same way in the crisp world as Green and Black’s has gone in the chocolate equivalent. Once the king of crisps, now they’ve been overtaken by the likes of Burt’s and Tyrells. In the near future, I suspect, only those potato products hand-carved by royalty will suffice.

Emergency reading: The Middle Class Handbook’s quick and essential Guide To Harrys

2012-02-09T10:54:49Z

As we all know, today’s news is mainly about Harrys. First there is Harry Redknapp who, in the wake of Fabio Capello’s resignation, finds himself the journalists’ choice for new manager of the England football team. Second there is Prince Harry, who has just passed his Apache helicopter test, and will soon find him returning to the front line in Afghanistan. The coincidence is striking because in terms of their appeal to the middle classes, Messrs Redknapp and Windsor have something in common, i.e. a reputation for un-PC, blokey non-nonsense-ness. Both can be accommodated in that English (and it is English rather than British) stereotype of yeoman-like blood-and-thunder hero that originated with Horatio Nelson, and encompasses the Bothams, the Flintoffs and the Gazzas. And both have the extra advantage of being called Harry.

For the British middle class “Harry” is the name that best suits the kind of endearing, brave tearaway we love so much; it is, in the Middle Class Handbook’s opinion, that the name has enjoyed new popularity in an era when English patriotism has been rediscovered. Our love of the name must go back at least to Shakespeare’s Henry V, but of course there are other Harrys that have influenced things too. For the confused, we have provided a handy guide:

Harry Redknapp: Probably the next England manager. Bit wide, but geezer of the people.

Prince Harry: Brother of the man who will probably be next king. Bit wide, geezer of the people, but posh.

Harry Potter: Fictional boy-wizard of the people and hero in vast movie franchise. Quite posh.

King Henry V: Known as Harry, as in and "Cry ‘God for Harry, England and St George’", which is a line already used frequently whenever the England football team is playing, and destined to be used even more.

Bad Harry: anti-hero of Dorothy Edwards’ very middle-class My Naughty Little Sister children’s books, whom you may not have heard of but is worth mentioning because Edwards’ choice of name shows how popular the name is for this sort of thing.

Harrying of the North; eleventh-century atrocity carried out by William The Conqueror that has nothing to do with the name Harry, but as a phrase is destined to be used whenever the England football team beats one from Scandinavia. You get the idea.

Chattering class: The week in worries and questions of taste

2012-02-08T16:15:00Z

The snow

Is that it? We want more disruption!

John Major's white socks on The Andrew Marr Show

Not good, John

The fact that a bit of snow makes everyone perfectly happy to show pictures of their gardens all over the internet

Odd

Automated sporty tweets - "I just ran this far", "I just beat my PB blah blah"

Stop it

New series of Roger and Val Have Just Got In

Lovely slice-of-life stuff

The Unthanks

Very MC music. Great name. All good.

Harry Rich

How spoilt for Harry’s we’ve become

The Valentine’s Day Litmus Love Test

2012-02-08T15:15:00Z

I know I’m being a curmudgeon, but I truly hate the concept of “guilt-free snacking”

2012-02-07T11:58:03Z

With their new range of “little treats”, M&S taps into the annoying middle-class habit of eating food in tiny, broken-off mouthfuls as if this will in some way reduce the calorie content. I used to see the women at my work doing it all the time with cakes, but in recent years it’s spread to sandwiches and even crisps. It drives me mad: NO ONE IS WATCHING YOU! JUST EAT THE FUCKING BROWNIE, WOMAN!

In M&S hands it becomes even more annoying because the treats are only guilt-free because a) the portions are so tiny and b) lots of them are made of all that trick-treat stuff like puffed rice, popcorn and incredibly thin chocolate coatings. To make it worse, there’s also a lot of those ingredients that are healthy in theory (seeds, nuts, dried fruit) but less so when coated in sugar; it’s a shame people fall for it, but they do. All very depressing; I might have to go and eat a bar of Green & Blacks to get over it.

“Hello, It’s Only Me”: How to be middle class on the phone

2012-02-04T10:00:16Z

When calling someone who you don’t know all that well, you can go for anything from the terrifically confident and presumptuous “Hi it’s Marcus” approach, just stating your first name as though they’ll know immediately who you are, to the rather nervous “Oh hello it’s Marcus Jones from Company, calling about…” strategy. Overstating your identity is certainly preferable; it’s more considerate to presume you’re not the only Marcus they know. But, a different behaviour comes into play when the middle-class person calls a close friend or relative.

“Hello, it’s only me” is a classic MC expression. You’ve almost definitely said it when calling your mum, daughter, best friend. It’s got a lovely self-deprecation to it; you’re implying that they might be expecting a call from someone more interesting, significant or demanding. You immediately take any pressure out of the phonecall and create a snuggly intimacy: relax, you’re safe with me, no need for formalities. And having a position in someone’s life that allows you to be only you when you call them – well, who doesn’t get a warm fuzzy feeling from that?

Flickr: nate steiner

chattering class: The week in dilemmas

2012-02-04T10:00:00Z

PJs and jim jams

The only acceptable slang for pyjamas. 'Jammies' is not allowed

Two pairs of tights while it's so cold

Yes, ladies, this is OK - nay, encouraged

Rushing out in your PJs to catch the recycling collection

It's OK, but make sure your dressing gown is decent, and wear outdoor shoes, not slippers

Actors in interviews saying they feel "blessed"

Intolerable

Is it cool to pick up 'Borgen' lingo?

Absolut. Tak.

When to start skipping the theme/intro music while working through a box set

Depends on the quality of theme tune, but three or four episodes seems to be the general limit

Bill and Sian having to apologise for swear words on BBC Breakfast

A bit of a thrill every time

Ending a question with "no?"

Lazy and not British. Proper question endings, please: "isn't it?" and "aren't you?" etc

Is it OK to build an automatic "kind regards" into your email signature?

No no no

Tea served in a teapot

The only right and proper way. The teabag-in-a-mug method? Appalling. Sort it out, Britain.

The Friday Question: Is it time we launched a Kitemark for Balsamic Vinegar?

2012-02-03T10:09:00Z

Are there any middle class staples stapler than a good bottle of balsamic vinegar? I think not. But I’ve recently been disappointed to find that an acceptable bottle of Modena’s finest is becoming increasingly tricky to track down.

Obviously, you can’t just grab any bottle that you happen upon in your grocer of choice. Buying the cheap ‘n’ nasty stuff is like buying cheap bin bags: a thoroughly false economy. Nothing more than tart water, it’ll ruin caramelised onions beyond recovery. And you can’t rely on the ‘organic’ label either – disappointingly often it signifies nothing more than pesticide-free tart water. But who in these times of austerity really, truly, honestly wants to fork out thirty quid for what is essentially salad dressing? Especially when it can turn out to be less vinegar, more overly sugary glaze. And then what’s a person to do?

What’s desperately needed is some sort of Balsamic Kitemark to let the discerning condiment enthusiast know quite what they’re getting, saving the endless mid-aisle, bottle-tipping, through dark glass-peering, viscosity-testing guessing game. I hear a petition calling…

How to be middle-class; inventing things to worry about when there’s nothing wrong

2012-02-02T12:01:06Z

Despite the fact that most of us seem to love smart phones, we also spend a lot of time complaining about how they cause more stress in our daily lives.

People from work can always get hold of you; you can’t help looking at your emails even though you know it will ruin your weekend; friends tell you about their latest apps rather than their news. And so on.

When I heard about a recent study by Worcester University about people suffering from smart phone withdrawal, I couldn’t help wondering if a) we all secretly enjoy being stressed and b) as a result we now invent things to be stressed about. I have identified at least five new emerging middle-class stresses that I think could soon rival that identified by the Worcester study.

Punctuality-fear: the stress resulting from the Ocado delivery actually arriving on time when you had banked on it being late
Deceptive discipline syndrome: occurs when your children have been really well behaved, so you worry that they’re hiding the fact that they’ve done something wrong
Tradesman suspicion: resulting from workmen finishing the job in your house on time and on budget, so you fret that they haven’t done the job properly
Fake Sincerity Anxiety: crops up when everyone who came to your dinner party says they enjoyed it and the food was nice, so you worry that they’re just being polite
Inverted laziness: the nagging feeling that comes when your boss hasn’t overloaded you with extra work this week, meaning that you worry that they’re not happy with the work you’ve done